Whenever I try to figure out what to do with this blog, I get stuck.
I try to create a theme, and I try to keep it neat and tidy. The trouble is, my life is not like that. And as my friend Sonia reminded me yesterday, as an INFP and a
woman, I don’t have a completely compartmentalized brain. There are several files
open at any given moment and I am constantly jumping from topic to topic internally.
What does this mean for you, the reader? Lucky you, gets to jump from crazy topic to crazy topic indefinitely. Now you’re completely hooked on this blog already, right?
Where is she going with this? Hmm, not sure yet.
I have to start somewhere, and in fact I’m not even sure WHERE I am really. Other than physically sitting in my home in Eagle River, Alaska. So I’mjust going to START. DANG IT. Been thinking about it for days.
What to say, what to do, what is my theme…? Blah.
I’m starting today because it is my 39th birthday and I want to start living my life.
Did you hear me? I am going to keep living my life, but I’m also not getting any
YOUNGER. So it’s time to start living my life too.
To give myself permission, to start over. Where does that grace come from?
Funny hubby came and woke me up with the kids for my birthday. I could hear my boy
chuckling his belly laugh as they came up the stairs to invade my sleep.
(Thank you God for laughter! For my son’s laughter, for his joy.)
One of the many things funny hubby said as they were celebrating [waking] me, was,
“TODAY IS THE FIRST DAY OF THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.” [Ugh. Someone make coffee, please!]
I can remember a ziggy pillow I had as a kid with this exact cheezy saying on it.
But I never forgot it. (It’s like those annoying pop songs you can’t get out of your head but secretly, you love because they are sweet and comforting and slightly cloying.) The love of my family, the laughter of my kids, the invasion of my comfort, was a true gift this morning. Oh, my heart. Thank you Lord, this is one of my dreams, come true.
I have often been quick to dream. I am quick to bless other’s dreams,
and encourage their plans. However I’m routinely slow to plan and accomplish my own dreams [read: ambitions.] Why is that? What keeps me frozen in space, letting life happen to me but not grabbing hold and shaking the dream into reality? Is it because I’m lazy? [Sometimes.] Is it because I’m afraid of success? [Yes, maybe.]
Is it because I don’t plan? [Yep.] Is there any hope for change?
Is change possible? Do we get to start over when we mess our lives up? When we live by default? When we harbor our wounds? Is there hope to be healed? When do we get to be all that we feel in our souls we were made to be?
[I know I’m not alone in this right? You guys ask these questions down in your souls too, secretly?I’m feeling a little vulnerable here, and it’s about to get even more real.]
Sorry, I’m not all sunshine and rainbows folks. I’m not here to give empty promises. Lots of gross, sinful stuff happens to us and by us, so it’s natural that the consequences live on in our lives for a long time after. We live with gaping wounds, sometimes harboring them like little pets we love, sometimes wishing we could break free from the slavery of them, sometimes wishing for the light. We slog through this sin like poo.
But I also know that, there is grace when you come to the end of YOURSELF, and what you can DO… When you are open and humble and vulnerable… Jesus can sit down with you and whisper to your soul. When we turn to him, He is there.
Jesus is close to the broken hearted. (Ps 34:18)
I think I just found my theme for today.
This, my friends, is where I have resided this year. I have been at the end of myself, broken-hearted, wounded, and feeling profoundly alone. No details, just, that’s where I’ve been. Slogging through poo. In the midst of my dreams, forgetting to be content and thankful for what I’ve been given and yet, aching for healing and truth in my soul.
John 4 (one of my life chapters) talks about Jesus sitting down with a broken woman to give her living water. I can’t get away from this image of Jesus, with no care for the conventions of the day, sitting down with an outcast woman to chat. He looks her in the face. In the eyes. He slogs through where she is with her and then:
He offers her LIFE. Oh, my heart, I am so hungry for that life. That hope and healing.
We get that same Jesus. He sits down where we are at… busy, working, taking care of things, gaping holes in our chests, poo on our heels. He’s in it with us, but he is offering so much more. He’s there and he knows us. He loves us and he even confides in us. Jesus is so Good. And He has things to share with us, right where we are.
Will you thank Him today, friends? Let this be your birthday gift to me, that you quieted your soul for just a while and let Him speak. Let Jesus love you.